The PT meeting wasn't too bad...for me anyway. My sister apparently failed in three subjects, and that's something since I don't think anyone in my family ever failed in any subject. And the fact that she's in 8th grade doesn't help. My teacher asked my dad if I was aggressive at home /)_- Da fuck?! Just because Ishowed attitude towards her once doesn't mean I'm aggressive! She goes like "You'll be surprised that I notice all these things." I can still hear a weird, old aged voice in my head. Ugh. I'm not surprised, because from Day 1 you've been bragging about how you're a psychologist and blah blah. Well, I have no idea how you got your degree but you suck at it. Judgemental adults...
Oh, and I choked on my tears when I told my dad that I won't get my usual complants last night. I don't even know why! I open my mouth, and my throat suddenly feels contracted and I'm on the verge of shedding tears. I seriously hate being this sentimental -_- I seem to cry for a lot of things lately, which sucks because it makes me feel weak and I happen to hate that feeling. Fick dich, sie emotionale zentrum meines gehirns. <--- That is German, cortsey of Google Translate. It feels good to cuss in a different language xD

I don't know why, but I hate being a hypocrite. Telling people that everyone has a worth, you should never give up, keep moving forward etc. I know others who are hypocrites in the same manner. I know, cause a few admitted it. I know I'm helping others, but it just sucks that I don't believe it myself. My friend skips meals and I tell her not to. Even though, I myself skip lunch and dinner most of the time. I guess every caring teenager (aka non-bitches) is a hypocrite. I'm not saying I'm caring but yeah...I'm a hypocrite. I want people to live their whole life, even though I think about ending mine every night. I relieve some of these depressjng thoughts by posting depredding pics on Google+. I'm so damn complicated. People would respond to most of those pics saying "Hugs" or "Everything will be okay" or even (this is my least favorite response) "Tell me what's wrong. I can help." I can't tell you what's wrong. I just can't. And most of the time I act crazy and food-driven online. In reality, I do act crazy when I feel super fucked up and I don't eat much. My life is just filled with internal ironies...

Report Card comes out on Thursday...
I'm actually satisfied with my marks. I thought I screwed up every subject but I passed everything, could've done better in Math and Hindi. My dad is on my case since the beginning of this week. Today, he comes home late and I open the door while holding Divergent in my other hand. He sees the bokk and gives that disappointed glare. "You're reading story books? You're in 10th grade. Be serious. Wait till your Open House..." In my defence, there was nothing to revise. Math teacher took the Probabiluty chapter which is the easiest and simplest one and there was no homework. Social Studies teacher, started a bit of Popular Movements and Struggles chapter, which I already revised in class. All the other subjects, we just skimmed through the basic concepts and other un-revisable crap. Oh, and there's also this other point which I'd love to make. I'M STILL FREAKIN' DEPRESSED ABOUT MY NEW CLASS. I still stand out...My grades have fallen a bit. My attention span in class is pathetic. I keep imagining what my best friend would do and say at certain points. I'm class-sick. (It sounds classic....Heh, the irony.) Tonight at dinner, just to spark a conversation I remind him about the Career Aptitude Test on November 16th. "Let me see after your Open House."
"Dad, it's Career Aptitude Test."
"What career? Let me see your grades, then we'll think abou your grades."
Thanks for the support dad. It's not like I've been freakin' out internally about how my report card will look. And you know what hurt me the most? Almost everyday he tells that we're different from other families. I figured that meant that we should support each other even more. I know I'm lethargic, but I do try to help out. Everytime he gets drunk, he tells me his problems like I'm the councellor. Fine. But I don't tell him anything. I don't tell him how left out I feel in my class. I don't tell him how I'm losing my friends rapidly. I don't tell him that I need help with studies. I know that he already has his plate full of bull shit. But this is just...I don't know what word to use here. But it just makes me feel even shittier. I can't tell my best friend any of this because she already has trouble in her house and on top of that she got involved in some complicated friendship shit. I don't need to add my problems to that pile. And I can't talk to anyone else, so here I am. Blogging about my life. Giving me one more reason as to why I should just quit living. I'm seriously running out of reasons to live...

I blame my Whovian friends for this crash course of feels. I know only one girl in school who is a Whovian and more than half my online friends are Whovians. Most of the posts I got were about Doctor Who. There was so much hype about it, that I was sorta pressured into watching it. Netflix wasn't available in my country, so I escaped the feels. Then my friend comes along and tells me to watch How I Met Your Mother on this other site which had a lot of TV Shows. I have a history of not fangirling about anything, except food. I'm sure fangirling about your soulmate doesn't count. Even Percabeth, I just liked ad shared a few posts about them. So I figured I'd probably stop after a few episodes and wonder what's so great about it, the same thing happened for all the other fandoms. So I watched the first episode, it was pretty okay. Sci-Fi isn't really my thing. I fall asleep to Star Wars. Anyway, a few more episodes later, I CAN'T STOP. And the bits of spoilers people were leaking out on Google+ didn't help. I kept watching, fangirled in school with that Whovian (who also happens to be a nerd whom I taught to awesome :P) for a while. DAVID TENNANT IS THE BEST. Matt Smith's cool too. Amy and Rory...I hate them for making this rollcoaster of feels even worse. And River Song. Hello Sweetie! (It's so hard to not reveal stuff on here!) I just saw Season 6 Episode 7 yesterday, and I literally had trouble breathing. I kept rewinding to that specific scene. So yeah, as much as I love the Doctor, I blame him for my lack of concentration during Phyics class. And also the doodles of the TARDIS in my Math notebook....

I think I've fallen under depression again...I'm not sure. The first and last time was when my mom wanted the divorce. I hated her then too, but I guess I had been hoping for the exact opposite. For my parents to be my parents again. So I crumbled. I felt I had nothing worth looking forward to, nothing to live for. Luckily, it was during the holidays, so my friends wouldn't actually see my dull expression. And luckily again, my best friend was there to reassure me. And it worked. I got up again, started picking up the pieces and kept moving forwad, trying my best not to look back. Two years have passed since then. Studying in 10th grade is one thing. But studying in 10th grade without any proper friends in your class? I'd rather volunteer for the Hunger Games. That's less painful than having to sit in a corner and look at others having fun. The class I had last year got completely shuffled, but there were at least three girls in each class. Everybody else got at least one person they could talk to. I got stuck with two girls who I dislike and will never mingle with. I can't blame my new classmates. They're nice and all. But they have their own groups of friends and I just feel left out. Apparently my best friend is feeling the same in her new class, even though her other best friend sits next to her. Both our grades are decreasing. It's not that we don't study. We do. And, for the first time since I started school, I didn't go down for P.E. It may not sound like a serious matter, but it is very serious. I never give up a chance to play sports. Emphasise on never. Instead, I sat at the corner of the class and read the Hunger Games book. It's more of a psychology thing I guess.
This, the second depression, is different. I have to act all happy and fake a smile and stuff in front of the others. I rarely fake happiness, 'cause I'm usually optimistic. This is just too much. I just wish I could've fallen into Tartarus instead of Percabeth...

Google+...I think I'm going to blog a lot about it. The fact that the minute I wake up, I unlock my phone and go through the notifications, says it all. This morning, I go through my notifications as usual and there's this post on a certain RPG community. It's a long RP. I read it twice before letting it sink into my jelly-like brain. It was written (or typed. Whatever floats your boat.) by a good, online, friend. It's a small community, so I knew most of the members, and I could tell their reactions would be the same as mine. Maybe more, maybe less, it didn't matter. The RP was a detailed story of her character attempting and succeeding in suicide. And again, this is right after I wake up. I read through the comments and the reactions were obvious. Her response to them was: "I can't kill myself in real life, so I killed my character." I don't blame her. All teenagers feel like jumping off a cliff or bringing a blade to their wrist will get rid of the pain. I've thought about it, you might have thought about it, we've all thought about it. But will it really work? A lot of people love you, for you. And yes, the world is a better place with you in it. I know one girl who killed herself, and I still didn't get over it completely. You think you're helping others by subtracting yourself from their life but the sad truth is, it'll just make it worse. Everybody, who knows you, will blame themselves. It's not something you get over in a day or a week or something. No amount of time will erase the guilt they carry. When I saw that one comment, I know I don't know her in reality but she is a friend nonetheless and I'm very sentimental too (curse the female hormones!), I felt scared. Scared that she'd actually do in real. Scared that there are other teens pushed to the edge, and they want to give up. I've been wanting to give up for the past 5 years! And I'm only 14. The only reason I didn't was because of my dad. He'll blame it on himself. He'll be even more broken than he is now. My sister, no matter how much we hate each other, will fare no better. So I'm staying strong. For them. Shedding tears in the morning isn't a great way to start the day. I checked my second favorite community, RPC RPG, and there too three girls are RPing about cutting themselves. They probably do it reality too. Now, I feel that only my character, who actually RPs regularily, is the only female who's happy. Sort of. The usual fake happiness at least. I get it that they RP about it so they get comfort from their friends (that's my theory anyway) and I honestly don't mind. The thing is, I want to do it too. But if I do that, who'll comfort me? They clearly have their own problems, and me being an attention whore won't help. I don't want pity or sympathy. I need someone to understand. Someone who will make me feel...positive. I suppose I'll just wait till everyone is happy, yeah it is possible, I will make it possible, and then I'll just fade out. Everybody's happy therefore I'm happy.
I just realised how long this is...And I actually got 18 views yesterday. Who's reading this??

I'm jobless...And it's 2:11 AM...I feel sleepy but can't go to sleep, as usual. So I'm just killing time on Google+. I did get permission from my dad to make an account, he just doesn't know what Google+ really is. He trusts anything with Google before it. My first social networking account. At first I just added people I knew in real life. Later, I stumbled upon this amazing community called 'Camp Half-Blood RPG'. For those who are taking baby steps into the internet world, RPG stands for Role Playing Game. My first thought, it's probably just some geeks hanging out, like how they picture the geeks playing 'Dungeons and Dragons' on TV. But RPG's are far from geeky. So, I created a character sheet ('Hephaestus is the Bestus!' wise words from my cabin counselor) and started RPing. Slowly, I got to know a lot of peeps and they started adding me. So I'm like "Shemurr?! I can't add random strangers I met online!" I got this weird idea. Create a circle named 'RP', add them to that circle and nobody gets hurt. Later, I joined a bajillion other RPG  communities. I began talking to those 'RP friends' out of the RPG world, as in socialising about real life. Most of them live half way around the world. By that I mean America. But I stopped caring. I stopped wondering, who these people actually are. Whether they really are my friends or they just tag me along or because I keep liking and commenting on their posts. It does occassionally flicker in my mind, and I feel insecure for about a minute or two...then a notification comes about another comment, then Poof! I don't care anymore. I thought alchahol and drugs were addicting. Now I realise, social networking sites are no different. Oh, and the best part? I've told a few online friends about my dream of travelling the world and they told me to visit them. In my head: "OMG!! I'll finally get to meet them!! I just have to wait for...a decade...Will they even remember me then?...I don't want to look like a loser who goes around meeting people they barely know..." Bam! Hello? Insecurity?Yeah, you're welcome to make me feel like an unwanted person again!
But whether they really consider me as a friend or not, I'm still going to hope for the best. Some of the best I've met are Viv, Ren, Steph (I know you're stalking this blog -_-), Raph, Kev, Lea, Em (Sadly, she deleted her account, but she was still a good friend) Hails and Teen Quotes. I've got a good vocabulary, but I just can't find the right word to describe how these guys have helped me. By help I mean, making me feel important and helping me escape the harsh reality.
Okay...I think that's my longeat rant by far...I'm gonna go back to Google+ now. Adios.